funny

email commandments

Submitted by Delhigal on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 18:58.

E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.

Perks of Old Age

Submitted by vish_kapoor on Mon, 02/22/2010 - 14:44.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

He Said...She Said...

Submitted by vish_kapoor on Sat, 01/09/2010 - 20:00.

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?

Cheesy lines work well with women

Submitted by Raj_Oberoi on Tue, 09/29/2009 - 21:38.

Do u know why men use cheesy pickup lines? Simple! coz they work.

This has bene proven by a study recently.

Conducted by www.OnePoll.com, the survey, which questioned 4,000 adults, revealed that four out of 10 women were still dating or were married to a man who first approached them with a funny quip.

However, not every line can do the trick for you-it was found that there are do''s and don''ts in the dating game as well.

3 Idiots

Submitted by Delhigal on Mon, 07/20/2009 - 18:15.

Idiot # 1

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Every dog has his day...

Submitted by vish_kapoor on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 18:13.

What do u think?

Funny Bumper Stickers

Submitted by punjabi_babe on Fri, 07/03/2009 - 17:00.

Bumper stickers

Where there's a will...I want to be on it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

Politically Correct Descriptions for Men

Submitted by deeks on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 19:31.

He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.

Why Am I So Tired?

Submitted by punjabi_babe on Sat, 06/20/2009 - 13:03.

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.

Lessons from Hollywood

Submitted by Delhigal on Thu, 06/11/2009 - 17:22.

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.